By Shenelle- Host of It’s Been A Journey Podcast
Let me go ahead and say it before you do: Yes, I’ve been divorced four times.
Go ahead and laugh—I did too, after the tears dried. But the truth is, I didn’t set out to become a serial divorcee. I set out to be loved, to love deeply, and to build something lasting. Somewhere along the way, though… things got complicated.
So how did I get here? Well, pull up a chair and let me take you on a ride through lessons wrapped in wedding veils, kitchen grease, business meetings, and hard goodbyes. It’s a journey of self-discovery, misaligned expectations, and finally—freedom.
Key notes
What I’ve Learned (and Unlearned)
- You can be taught love without being taught wisdom.
- Patterns don’t break until you recognize you’re in one.
- Marriage doesn’t define your worth.
- You can be loyal and leave.
- Sometimes, God allows the breakup to save the real you.
Southern Belle Programming 101
Growing up in the South in the 1970s, I was trained early for marriage. I mean, early. I knew how to fry chicken, starch a shirt, and set a table like I was born in a Southern Living magazine. I was taught that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach—and probably through silence, obedience, and flawless potato salad.
The women in my life weren’t trying to trap me in tradition. They were giving me what they thought I needed to survive. But what they didn’t tell me was that just because you’re trained to be a wife doesn’t mean you’re ready for marriage. Or that marriage, honey, takes more than a clean house and warm biscuits.
- My mother and grandmothers were women of deep integrity. Everything they taught me was rooted in love and preparation—for the “I do.” But what no one explained was how to handle the “I don’t” moments that come later. I was trained like a soldier in Wife Bootcamp—cooking, cleaning, supporting—but no one gave me a clue about how to choose a husband, or what I even needed in one. I knew how to step into the role of a wife, but not how to recognize if the man beside me was really built for the journey.
And that’s where I found myself—chasing an ideal that looked a whole lot like my grandma’s life…
Trying to Be My Grandmas While Dreaming Like Oprah
I was caught between two powerful examples: my father’s mother, the graceful homemaker who ran her household like a well-oiled machine, and my mother’s mother, the fiercely independent woman who worked hard and made her own way. I admired them both and thought, Why not be both? I tried to merge their strengths—to become Super Wife: nurturing, driven, self-sufficient, and submissive when necessary. Turns out, that balance is harder than they make it look on Pinterest. In trying to live their lives, I started to lose min.
But here’s the problem… my ex-husbands loved the idea of the woman who could do it all, just not the responsibility that came with loving her well. They wanted the benefits of the worker and the wife—but not the burden of partnership. And somehow, without even realizing it, I kept choosing the same man in different bodies. That’s when it hit me—I wasn’t just struggling with bad luck in love. I didn’t even know what I wanted in a partner. And sis, that realization? It changed everything…
Married for the Job and Jesus
Now let me tell you how low my standards were in the beginning:
- Does he love God?
- Does he have a job?
That’s it. That’s the list. No thoughts about emotional maturity, character, communication, or whether he liked his mama (because if he didn’t, whew, run!). I was so focused on being a wife, I never learned how to choose a husband. And dysfunction? I thought that came standard, like furniture from Rent-A-Center.
Different Faces, Same Energy
Looking back, each man looked different—but the vibe was copy-paste. Quiet, kind, reserved… but also emotionally unavailable in their own way, but well educated in being “Bob the builder” and “Joe the Mechanic”.
My dad was like a superhero in my eyes—self-taught, brilliant with his hands, and the kind of man who could fix anything, from a broken car to a broken mood. A true jack of all trades… and honestly, a master of most. But beneath that quiet strength was a flaw I didn’t fully understand until I was older—he was unfaithful. Still, as a little girl, I only saw the charm, the calm presence, the steady hands. And without realizing it, I started gravitating toward men who had that same soft-spoken nature, never pausing to question what might be hidden underneath. Infidelity wasn’t even on my radar—I believed that if someone wanted to cheat, they would. You just hoped they wouldn’t. That blind hope became a thread I kept weaving into my relationships… even when the fabric was falling apart.
The D-Word That Did Me In
Here’s the kicker: I didn’t leave any of my husbands—they all said the word divorce first. And when they did, I let them have it. Not the argument, the divorce. I gave 100% in each marriage, flaws and all, but when that word left their lips? It was a wrap. I’m a lot of things, but I don’t stay where I’m not wanted—even if it breaks my heart to go.
One of the hardest things for me was looking into the eyes of someone who once stood before God and vowed for better or worse—only to later toss around the word divorce like a weapon. It wasn’t just a word to me—it was a line you don’t cross unless you mean it. When it was used to manipulate, control, or get a reaction, something in me shut down. I could never fully relax knowing that threat had been spoken into the atmosphere. And once it was out there, the foundation was cracked beyond repair.
Still, I hold no bitterness. I genuinely get along with every one of my exes. They’ve moved on, and so have I. No hard feelings. No drama. No love lost… just no love left to share together.
Now I’m Here… Not Bitter, Just Wiser
I used to feel ashamed about being divorced so many times. But now? Now I see it as evidence that I kept showing up for love. I believed.
God is turning my mess into a ministry. So often, we hear how He hates divorce—and yes, that’s in the Word. But rarely do we talk about the times when God Himself allows—or even orchestrates—the dissolution of a marriage for our protection, our purpose, or our growth. I know some folks won’t understand that… and many might even reject it. But I’ve lived it. I’ve walked through the fire and come out refined, not ruined.
What I once saw as failure or wasted time, I now see as divine redirection. My journey wasn’t a tragedy—it was training. God had a plan all along, and I’m finally seeing it unfold. And for that, I thank Him deeply.
Now, I want to invite you to reflect:
5 Thought-Provoking Questions for You
- What beliefs about love and marriage were passed down to you, and do they still serve you today?
- Have you ever mistaken “comfort” or “familiarity” for love?
- Are you living your life… or replaying someone else’s version of it?
- What non-negotiables do you need in a relationship that you might’ve overlooked in the past?
- If you had to choose between peace and partnership, which would you choose—a
Thanks for reading, Journey Partner. If this resonated with you, feel free to share your story in the comments or tag a friend who needs to hear this. Life isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about getting real.
Until next time,
– Shenelle 💛
Host of It’s Been a Journey 🎙️