Why Loving Who They Used to Be Instead of Who They Are Now Leads to Disconnection, Distance, and Even Infidelity
You Don’t Know Me: How Misunderstanding Your Partner Is Quietly Destroying Your Relationship
Let’s be honest…
A lot of relationships don’t end because love is gone.
They end because understanding is gone.
On this episode of It’s Been a Journey, I, Shenelle (Host), sat down with my daughter and co-host, Cherrell Ball, to unpack a truth many couples are living but not talking about:
“You don’t know me anymore.”
Not in a disrespectful way…
Not in a rebellious way…
But in a deeply emotional, quiet realization that the person you love is no longer being seen, heard, or understood for who they are today.
The Real Problem: Loving a Memory Instead of a Person
One of the biggest mistakes in marriage and dating relationships is this:
Loving someone based on who they used to be instead of who they are now.
People grow.
People heal.
People change.
But when one partner evolves—and the other keeps operating from old assumptions – disconnection begins.
As Cherrell said during the episode:
“Men really think they know us… and don’t even know what we like anymore.”
And that right there?
That’s where the gap starts.
Why Men Sometimes Step Outside the Relationship
This is the part we don’t always say out loud—but we need to.
Not all, but some men step outside of their relationship not just because of desire…
But because of misunderstanding and disconnection.
Here’s how that happens:
1. They Feel Disconnected and Don’t Know How to Fix It
Instead of leaning in and asking questions, some men withdraw.
Because reconnecting requires:
- Vulnerability
- Emotional awareness
- Effort
And not every man has been taught how to do that.
2. They Misinterpret Her Growth as Rejection
She starts:
- Setting boundaries
- Speaking up
- Expecting more
And instead of seeing growth…
He hears:
“You’re not enough.”
3. They Miss the Old Version of Her
The version that was:
- More quiet
- More tolerant
- Less expressive
But that version may have been:
Unhealed or settling.
4. They Don’t Know How to Say “I Don’t Understand You Anymore”
So instead of communicating confusion…
They replace connection.
5. They Confuse Ease with Compatibility
A new person feels easier…
Not because they’re better—
But because there’s no history yet.
No accountability.
No depth.
No real understanding required.
Biblical Principle: Understanding Is a Requirement
The Bible doesn’t just tell us to love…
It tells us to understand.
1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge…”
This means:
- Study your partner
- Learn your partner
- Grow with your partner
Understanding is not optional—it’s ongoing.
How Misconceptions Quietly Destroy Relationships
Here’s how this shows up in real life:
- You think she’s nagging → She’s actually feeling unheard
- You think she’s distant → She’s emotionally exhausted
- You think she’s doing too much → She’s compensating for what’s missing
- You think she’s changed for the worse → She’s actually healed
- You think everything is fine because she’s quiet → She’s emotionally checked out
Over time, these misunderstandings turn into:
- Resentment
- Silence
- Emotional distance
Real Talk Moment (Shenelle & Cherrell)
During the conversation, we had to laugh a little…
Because it’s real:
“Why I gotta explain myself every time? Just pay attention!”
But underneath that humor is truth:
A woman doesn’t want to repeat herself forever.
At some point, she stops talking…
And starts withdrawing.
5 Ways to Truly Know Your Partner Again
1. Stay Curious About Who They Are Now
Ask questions. Don’t assume.
2. Update Your Understanding
Old information leads to current disconnection.
3. Learn and Apply Their Love Language
Not occasionally—consistently.
4. Pay Attention to Emotional Shifts
Silence, tone, energy—all speak.
5. Create a Safe Space for Growth
Don’t punish vulnerability. Protect it.
Reflection Questions for Couples
Take a moment and reflect:
- Am I loving my partner based on who they are today?
- When was the last time I asked what they need emotionally?
- Do I listen to understand or just respond?
- Have I ignored their growth because I was comfortable?
- Is my partner becoming quieter—and why?
Prayer for Understanding in Relationships
Father God,
Help us to not grow lazy in love.
Teach us to see, hear, and understand the people You’ve placed in our lives.
Remove assumptions, pride, and emotional neglect.
Give us the desire to relearn each other…
The patience to grow together…
And the wisdom to love with intention.
Restore connection where there has been distance,
And bring clarity where there has been confusion.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Invitation to Men: Let’s Talk
This conversation isn’t about blaming men…
It’s about building with men.
So I’m opening the door:
If you’re a man willing to have an honest conversation…
- Have you ever felt disconnected and didn’t know why?
- Have you struggled to understand your partner as she changed?
- Have you ever chosen distance instead of communication?
I’m inviting 1–2 men to join me on the podcast for a real, respectful conversation.
No judgment. Just truth.
*Reach out
*Comment: “I’m ready to talk”
You don’t lose a relationship because people change…
You lose it when you refuse to understand the change.
And sometimes…
The person you’re trying to replace…
Is the one you never fully learned.
Checkout Spotify for a personal conversation with me. Click YouTube for the Live Version with Co-Host; Cherrell.
Remember we are on this journey together.